Political landscape, as painted by Bob Ross

Think happy thoughts, like trees. Happy little trees. And still waters, mirroring a cerulean sky. Throw in a whisp of mist, gliding over the water, only to be met by a gently sloping shoreline, rising up to the snow capped hills in the distance.......

Oh Bob, why have you painted this picture? only to be shattered by completely narcissitic people and their insane quest for political power.

Lets break it down, Bob Ross style.

Hillary is a Clinton. She may be intelligent, a lawyer, in fact. She may be a skilled negotiator, Secretary of State, and all. Her husband cheated on her, perhaps even in the oval office itself, the most powerful man in the free world, and she let him get away with it. I don't want someone with no balls running this country. or perhaps she does have balls, I don't know.


Bernie is Colonel Sanders older brother.. Too old to survive the next four years, too wishy washy to stand up for our veterans, who need care quality health care too. If he were related to Colonel Sanders, the Colonel would probably kick his ass. That would be a fight I would pay per view, Debates are for wuss', bring on the fisticuffs!

Ted is Rafael. Yep. His name is not even Theodore. He changed it to blend in with the political landscape, He would probably change the address of the White House to 1313 Mockingbird Lane, You know, to make it more like home. Grandpa Munster must be rolling in his grave.


Donald is, well, The Donald. I really could go on for about 14 years about all the things this guy epitomizes. Yeah, he is successful. yeah, he is charismatic. yeah, he is definitely batshit crazy. if he makes it to the end of the campaign, it will prove what a nation of brainwashed idiots we are. Myself included.


Now, I am really not the political type, in fact I view it more as entertainment. Unfortunate that our founding fathers are not around to see this. They would have gone all Mel Gibson in the Patriot on their arses.

These are my opinions, they could change tomorrow, and are in no way representative, or proposed to invite commentary of any nature, either in print, spoken word, or digital format. They are to be used for entertainment purposes only, and not to be reproduced without expressed written, or unwritten permission. aka, don't take this too seriously, I'm just having fun here.

I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one Nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
(insert star spangled banner and soaring eagles here)
It would do these canidates well to say this once a day, kinda like we did when we were in grade school. (Thanks, Mr Ezdebski)

I think Bob Ross should run for President. He has all the best qualities of the actual canidates. A talented, resourceful, honest, self made millionare. And he can paint some pretty happy little trees.


Pistolgrip Out

Hey Look Out! It's a New Year

It's getting cold outside, there's a new president on its way, and the internet is getting bigger. I had better make some predictions for this year, or I'll have to give up a few good " I told ya so" opportunities.

So here we go:
A remake of MASH will be made. It will star the cast of the big bang theory.

Left to right: Dr. Sheldon Cooper, Penny, Leonard, Howard, Stuart, and of course, Raj.

(Henry Blake and Father Mulcahey actors to be determined)

I cant believe no one has come up with this idea yet!

The food network will change its name to "the pretty chef who I dont believe ever washed dishes in their entire life"channel.

I sure hope she is Serve Safe certified

A cure will be found for a terrible disease. People will never have to suffer from Affluenza again. The cure will be called " NO"

"Hey, any body seen my douchebag? oh, there I am."

Much like NFL players, spelling bee participants shall demand recompensation for the years after they stop being cute and can no longer compete.

your word is eyecup. "icup, I-C-U-P, icup. (crowd explodes in laughter)

Our next president will either be male or female. In other words, It will not be Bruce Jenner.

Seriously, I did NOT see this one coming

A new religion will be organized, with fanatical followers, some achieving martyr-like status. All shall worship at The Church of the Holy Gluten Sensitivity.

I can already see this symbol on t-shirts, jewelry and prius' everywhere.

Recreational Marijuana use will be legal in at least half of the 50 states. This will be the main contributory factor in the great Cool Ranch Dorito shortage of the next half century.

you gotta admit, they are delicious!

Fit bit and other fitness bands will become useless as we embrace different, more useful technology. There will be a reclining toilet virtual reality television nutrient delivery system in every living room. ( aka The Watch and Poop)

Currency will fail, we will become a nation trading vinyl records of Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon and homemade mix tape cassettes as a means to procure goods and services. Everybody's still got at least one of those.

Ladies and gentlemen, the next Bill Gates

Vaping will become less popular as people gravitate towards fully clothed public masturbation as a way to draw attention to themselves outside office buildings and in coffee shops everywhere.

Or make them get this tatoo. Just as embarrassing.

There's my list. I'm gonna check back on it next January and see how I did. I'm shooting for at least the Watch and Poop. That would be cool.

Feel free to put your own predictions in the comments section below, there will be a prize awarded for every correct prediction, and I predict it will not be a prize of value.

Pistolgrip Out.

Turn and face the strange

Wow, David Bowie gone.

Someone who inspired me to learn the phrases " wham bam, thank you maa'm" and also how to call Major Tom from ground control.
A man who reinvented himself with every decade, from Ziggy Stardust at the beginning of the punk  movement, on to Alladin Sane, through the Thin White Duke of the second British invasion, and on to be the distinguished gentleman of all things avant garde.
He had an ability to steal the spotlight by becoming someone entirely different on stage. People like Buster Poindexter and Twisted Sister give respect every time they put on their makeup.
He had such (sound and) vision that he played the title character in a movie about a song he wrote, fittingly about an alien, The Man Who Fell to Earth.
He was a pioneer of the MTV era, as well as the digital age.
One of the first transvestite, gender bending, I don't give a shit performers.
Got married interracially, before it was widely accepted, to a freaking supermodel, no less.
Portrayed a goblin king in a kids movie, and nailed it. If you haven't seen Labyrinth, do it now.

Ch-ch-ch-changes / Turn and face the strange.

Damn, I'm gonna miss him.

Rest in Peace, Ziggy.

Hello 2016, shake hands with me.

I would formally like to invite 2016 into my life. It has been a long time coming, and its about time.
I'm not making this post about stupid resolutions, or dreams of the future, because that is just stupid. Nobody follows up on that stuff anyways.
I may talk a little about what may happen in the next year, and come back next January, and see how I did. Probably my next post, but not this one.
I want to recap last year, put it to bed, start anew, turn over a new leaf, press restart, and whatever other euphemisms I can come up with.
I have a few topics rolling around the old hat holder, lets dive right in shall we?
In no chronological order:
I had Partial knee replacement surgery right after christmas, went very well. in fact, I feel most people made a bigger deal out of it than me. yeah it hurt, but nothing compared to the bone on bone grinding that I was living with every day. I was beginning to stumble around like a zombie from the walking dead. (which by the way is how I spent my recovery, bingeing and purging my netflix cue)
I am pretty young for this procedure, so I found it quite amusing listening to everyone say things like " yeah, my granpa had that, he also had both his hips done, as well as his liver removed" geez us!
you cant have my liver! I still need that!
I had to go to a class presurgery, I was roughly half the age of everyone else in there. oh the stories I heard.
theres one in every group, or three if we are talking about octogenarians. I pretty much know one lady's entire medical history, dating back to the 1800's. Her family's medical history, sisters, brothers, 2nd cousins, and dogs previous owner included. I also know what kind of car they used to drive (before the operation), their favorite color, and specific bathroom preferences. And I do mean SPECIFIC.
I heard many local colloquialisms like onnacownada (on the count of), met-ull (metal), ass burn (aspirin), and my personal favorite Pussyness (sounds like fussyness, not the female-like adjective).

My sixteen year old son also got his drivers liscense, I had forgotten what a big deal this is. He is now legal to operate a motor vehicle in all 50 states and some other countries too. a whole new set of challenges presented themselves to me when I started driving, things like what can I hide in the trunk? or how far do I have to go to air out the car with the windows down? or what is the least likely route for me to take to not get seen by any of my relatives/neighbors? these things were harder to learn than actual driving was.

I took a promotion at work, I am one for challenges, but this ate it from the ass in. At the same time I took the promotion, we lost a good percentage of our management team. I was forced (admittedly, of my own desire to not fail) to work a butt load of hours, no days off, shortened vacation, and having to do the work of 3 people, while training some new ones. the replacement for my old job lasted 3 weeks, gave his notice, stayed on another 2 weeks in STD mode. That's Short Timers Disease, for those that think it means something else, like gonorrhea. which probably is less painful. Things have settled down now, got my shit together, somewhat. Now its time to do it all over again.

I went to Canada last summer, Toronto, to be exact. Great city, great people, I want to move there. NOW. They literally have everything I need there, beer, back bacon, and Rush. Which was the entire purpose for the trip. I dragged my wife along, she wouldnt go to the concert onnacownada (see above) shes no Geddycorn ( a mystical female creature only spotted at Rush concerts, usually exceptionally good looking, intelligent, and appearing to enjoy quality progressive rock), although she does possess three of these five qualities. My son attended with me, I'm not sure he has recovered/accepted it yet. He is one of us now. Awesome show, one more thing off my list before the dirt nap.
We also took a trip to Niagra Falls, if you have never been, go. its really cool. Commercial, expensive, and crowded, but awesome to see nonetheless.

I started a pretty aggressive exercise program, for me at least. Did well with it, until the summer shitstorm hit, Couldnt find the time/energy, and the old knee gave out on me. I know, excuses, excuses. they are like arses, they all stink. Not that aggressive really means anything, Hell, getting off the recliner and reaching for a beer from the back of the fridge(thats where I keep the special ones) is considered aggressive for me. I'm looking forward to healing this hinge in my leg and at least do a little more outdoorsy stuff ( see previous post, titled day Hikes and Haikus, find it under "old stuff" on the right) That, and I need to stop eating about three fourths my weight in cake.

Looking back, I dont want to change anything, except the bone grinding thing, that sucked. I learned some pretty valuable lessons, and I am bound to learn a few more. Made some new friends, lost touch with some old ones, Hoping to reform those bridges to my past and future.
My sincerest wish is that everyone who reads this has a fantastic and meaningful 2016, Heck, I even wish it upon those who don't read this. why not?

That is my first entry for this year folks,
why not sign up for the updates, on the right of your screen, and you can get them when I write 'em.
I hope that thing works, otherwise, I am just talking to my self, Again.

Don't resist it, shake hands with it, its a brand new year.

Pistolgrip Out

One bad Apple ruins the whole operating system

I seriously have a tryptophan hangover. My head hurts, my feet stink, and I don't love Jesus. That last parts not true, its a quote from one of the greatest storytellers of all history, James Buffet.

Holidays are good, I'd like to have more of them, but I don't think my brain can handle it.
All the running around, shopping, yard work, cooking, cleaning, gender reassignation surgeries, I don't know how I get it all done.

I barely have time to do the things I have to get done, like drink beer. And eat cake.
I like cake.

I did get a new phone yesterday, my other one sharted and was close to totally crapping its own drawers. It's a newer version if the last one, because guess what? The last one worked great for 2 years ( seems to be the norm, funny, because that's how long my contract was!) Everybody asked me " are you gonna get the iPhone 14p?, or whatever it is, why do these iPhone users want to suck me into their world? Is it more than a culture, but a cult? They really want/need you to share in their misery. Or maybe it's an addiction?  You know, one with a twelve step program that you should follow to get out and become a useful member of society again. All iphones seem to have the same issues, but yet Applers ( I just made that term up) just gotta have one. Weak batteries, expensive apps, cracked screens and all.
In the not to distant future I see a well lit, sanitized room with no windows, plastic chairs, with a table set up in the corner with herbal tea and gluten free donuts, with attendees dressed in slacks and sensible shoes, each with names like SIRI or RAM or Dr Sheldon Cooper, discussing how apple has riuned their life.
They feel a need to pay money for things that don't cost money, like music. They discuss their anxiety when there isn't a power source nearby, and there won't be one for the next 17 hours. Their frustrations because they can't put their hand in their pockets because the tips of their fingers are shredded from uncontrollably swiping them across their broken screens and dreams.

My eyes hurt, my fingers bleed, and I don't need Steve's. Okay I'll work on the slogan.

I'm not much better, mind you, I couldn't wait to get a new phone, but this novelty will wear off in a few days and I will go back to leading a productive life, I hope.

As a matter of fact, I wrote this entire post, on my phone, sitting on my couch, drinking coffee. This new idiot box allows me to post to the blog from mobile, so you will probably see more from me, but in an abbreviated version. So subscribe, follow, leapfrog, or whatever it is you do on the sidebar there to get updates. I'm not convinced the link works, so sign up and comment. It won't hurt, I promise.

Unless you have an iPhone. I don't want you to hurt yourself.

My wife is gonna kill me. So I'm gonna put it down now, and rejoin society.

Pistolgrip out.

Things I should have/should not have learned in High School

Well, here goes!
I have a teenage son, he teaches me a lot, I can honestly say, he schools me on a daily basis.
Whether he realizes it or not, who knows. I dont want to sound like an old fogey, and I am certainly no prude, but things sure have changed alot since I was in High School.
Where do I start?

Communication: we didn't text, we talked. we schemed, we planned, we conspired. We had to be careful that people would "hear" us. god forbid you got caught passing a note. and if it was to a girl? we are talking full on public humiliation here. not to mention your entire life being ruined, for ever..

Clothing: we used to push the envelope with the occasional double entendre t shirt ( any body remember "whereinthehellis" t shirts?) or maybe a pair of doc martens or hiking boots with huge red laces? these days, shorts and a t shirt are the norm. SHORTS! I used to wear a button down "oxford" at least once a week, just because I could. There were certain fashion plates among us, a.k.a the polo shirts and dockers crew, there was even an award in the yearbook for "best dressed". I dont even think they do that anymore. and don't get me started on Sneakers! when did we begin spending hundreds (yes,I said hundreds) of dollars on footwear so we could ride the bus. I dont get it.

Extra curricular activities: Maybe we would go to a sporting event, maybe kiss a girl under the bleachers, maybe go to a dance after the game, (with a band, not a DJ), maybe get into a fight, maybe sneak around and have our parents pick us up in front of the school totally unaware, maybe say we were staying at a friends house, and go to a party. maybe get caught. Most of the time we got caught. How in the world could they catch us? After all, we were much smarter than them!

Music: I couldn't imagine High School with out a soundtrack. We would go to the record store, and find gems hidden in the bins of albums. we didn't download or "steal" music, The only way we knew a new album was coming out by our favorite group was hearing a DJ mention it on the radio, or reading about it in Tiger Beat magazine. By the way, the Tiger was our high schools mascot, and I thought it was our school newsletter. Im not kidding. Man, was I stoopid. We would gather at someones house after school and listen to records, with headphones. The kind with the curly wire, and you had to sit on the floor in front of the stereo. No one ever heard of earbuds, we heard of buds, but not ear ones.

Technology: I had always been somewhat of a geek, I like shiny new things, but I wouldn't call myself an early adopter. I usually wait to see how technology affects my life before I dive in. I wanna be sure, ya know? Teens today have so much more technology, I'm not just thinking about smart phones here. Virtual reality, large screen television, GPS, The freaking Internet! all of it could be used for Good or Evil, I'd like to think its for good, but I know its sometimes evil. It is much harder these days to read a book, or take a walk. You might miss something.

There were a lot of things I learned in High School, How to be cool, how to hang out, how to make fun happen, and I seem to remember something about Math or History.

There were a lot of things I didn't learn also. Like how to pay a mortgage, what to do when someone lies to you, and why you need to stop and appreciate every day that you have.

I am watching my son learn the same things, and believe me, I cant teach him, because he already knows.

He just hasn't learned it yet.


Pistolgrip Out.

The Hitchhiker.

Thoughts in time and out of season,
The Hitchhiker
stood by the side of the road,
and leveled his thumb,
in the calm calculus of reason.

That lyric is from a Doors song, well sort of, it was recorded as spoken word while Jim Morrison was still alive, mixed into another song, Riders On The Storm, and released posthumously. (that means taking a dirt nap) Its about a guy who gets picked up, makes some small talk, and then he murders some one. There's a killer on the road...

One could only wish our voice could be recorded, saved forever, mixed by whomever wants to, and resubmitted for the masses. wait, hold on a sec.... i just checked the interwebs, its been done, they call it itunes. there goes another million dollar idea ruined by the internet. thanks alot internet, learn how to keep a secret, will ya? you're a jerk.

I haven't written in a while because my life at work has been a one man shitshow tennis match against myself. I don't think that's an expression, but is fun to say. try it. I knew you would. use it, go ahead you will get the same dumb looks I get. Its like a club, we can all be members of the Dumb Look Club.

But, on the bright side, my life is getting better, slowly, but surely.

The rest of this post is going to be some random thoughts, notes that I have taken over the last 4 months or so, ideas that I thought could stand on their own, perhaps some day they will grow up, and be full grown posts , but for right now, Ill just spew some thoughts out, okay? okay.

As I am writing this, there is a total lunar eclipse occurring. pretty freaking awesome. The moon is a sliver of its former self, as of an hour ago, and is beginning to turn red. It is commonly called a Blood Moon. Again, pretty freaking awesome.

That goes along with my first one:

The Inner Eye- we all have things we see, how we interpret them is another story. some may see the glass half empty, I choose to see that I am half as thirsty as I was two seconds ago. While some may see a rainy day, I choose to see a good opportunity for a nap.(not a dirt one, by the way)

Four out of five Dennis's recommend it- I dont know who these five guys named Dennis are, but what do they care if I chew gum or not?

Jorneyman, Apprentice, Beggarman, Thief- my friend's kids go to a private school, not some high falutin' secluded monastery in the mountains, just not a public school. Thing is, they don't give letter grades for the students, the give titles. Things like Journeyman, Apprentice, Learner, etc. I wonder if, upon graduation, they give them a title summing up their future prospects? Things like douchebag, high roller, or narcissist? that would take a lot of guesswork out of the interviewer when they are applying for jobs. "well, I see here you got a rating of Ass Pirate upon graduation, tell me more"

why is there no air in space? what about the air in space museum, Its a real place, I saw it on the television once.

Diorama or Diarrhea- one is a miniture display of something inside of something, the other isnt. Or maybe it kinda is.

Interpersonal Schema Cycle- its when someone does or says the same thing to many different people and gets the same result. Like a catchphrase or a battle cry, Even "GERONIMO!" doesnt mean shit if your not jumping out of a plane. I had a friend who used to say "it is what it is" about a hundred times a day, very annoying, since he really didn't know what "is" is, or was, After a while when he said it I began to erase in my mind everything else he said before and after that, seriously, I cant think of one thing he said other than that. If I ever find myself riding an Interpersonal Schema Cycle, I'm gonna trade it in for a Vespa. Then it will be an Interpersonal Schema Scooter. sounds a lot more fun. and awkward, especially at the local biker bar.

A Majordomo is some one who takes care of every detail of a kings or other person of importance's house. kind of like Geoffrey on the fresh prince, or Benson from soap(remember that show?) I think I have just found a new life goal, But I want to do it part time, and have an assistant, and in the Caribbean, and for a considerable amount of money. Not too much to ask right?

I think people who have piercings are okay, but I find it enjoyable to think up quotes of things they may or may not say. One small stud in your nose says "I'm a mother of two, but I want everyone to think I lead a double life, which of course I don't because I'm a mother of two" a large rod in your nose says" I dont like to blow my nose, so dont ask me for a tissue" any skin piercing across a flat space like neckback or side boob " I got a cut there, and duct tape wasn't holding"

I Thank God and Baby Jesus every day since the Zombie Apocalypse is over. I was getting sick of walking around moaning, with my arms straight out, in ripped and dirty clothes from the seventies, in an effort to fool the real zombies into thinking I was one of them. I think they knew though, but they just were trying to use me to get some brains.  Fortunately for me, I don't have enough for them to bother with. It is over? Right?

Hitchikers are random, they turn up here and there, either on the actual side of the road, or on the metaphoric road of life. They need something, you provide it, like a ride or a nice conversation. some times they are not able to do it themselves, and we feel morally obligated to help. To try to get them to their destination. And they almost always kill you.

Pistolgrip Out.