Saving it for Good

So many memories

I'm going to try something totally different here. I'm gonna write down a few thoughts and just hit publish, when I'm done. Kind of like freestlye rappin' with words. As it turns out, my smartphone is smart enough to let me do that. Stupid smartphone, it doesn't have a clue. I apologise in advance for any typos or grammatical shortcomings, I usually end up reading these things about ten times before I release it to the universe. And of course, if I offend anyone, too bad, go find your safe space and call your therapist.
Most of my ideas are already on my phone, in a little app called Keep. Keep is for Google nerds, like me, it's basically a place where you write stuff down, like a to do list, or a manifesto, and forget about it. We have an expression in my house, it's called "saving it for good" that's when you put something somewhere in the purpose of using it in the future, but you forget about it, and when you find it you kind of say to yourself, " why the hell did I keep this? I guess I was saving it for good" news flash- good never comes, good is now. Get rid of that shit, fast.
But I digress. here are a few thoughts from my Keep, I ain't Keeping them no more.
I ran into a guy I haven't seen in 20 years or so, while paying a parking ticket. As if it didn't suck enough I had to give someone (I have no idea who) 25 bucks io my hard earned schamoliens, I had one of those awkward moments where you know the face, voice, mannerisms, and smell of someone, but you can't remember their name. He said hey, extended his hand in greeting, I gladly reciprocated, exchanged small talk, and then I finally remembered! True to form, my very good brain kicked in, there was an audible sound of synaptic fizzle, and we were off! All of a sudden I had about 900 questions about everything thing that happened to him in the last 20 years, but all I could come up with was " hey man, how's it goin'?"
Sometimes I seriously think I'm a social retard. Make that all the time. I don't think it is shyness, just an inability to plan out conversations. I spent my entire career planning and waiting to execute those plans, knowing that the only way it is going to end is when it ends the way I want it to. Control issue? Frick yeah, you better believe it.  But a conversation? Where you have no idea where it's going to go next? In a public place? Oh man, get me a snuggie, or a tree fort, or something else that I can feel safe in.
I'm gonna start keeping a written list of all the people I meet and interact with on a daily basis, and any pertinent info, like work, interests, or thier shoe preferences, in hopes that I won't feel so awkward in the future when I run into them while paying a parking ticket. I'm going put it in my Keep. That way it will be saved for good.

Pistolgrip Out

Its gettin' hot in here

Wow, been a while. glad to see you. whats up? hows it hangin? whats shaking? and any other nondescript, generic greeting I can think of.
I am going to give you a quick summer recap, some pics, a little video, and as usual, some random junk floating around in my noggin. (what is a noggin, anyways?)

Come with me know as we enter the time machine and travel all the way back to May 2016.

Graduation time at my job is tough. a lot of demands on my time and (questionable) talents, non stop, two to three weeks of just smiling and taking it, prison style, if you know what I mean.
I ended up getting ill at the end of it, let my body and the stress get to me. never again. Thats why the Gods created alcohol. Its a magic potion that makes it all better. (not permanently, mind you, but for a little while at least)
I guess caring about what you do and passion has its drawbacks, who'd a thunk?

I discovered something called Biofeedback therapy. Its where you put on a pair of dark glasses, listen to some calming sounds, there's some lights flashing to the beat, putting you into a relaxed state, just like one and a half of my college years. Yeah, I cant remember anything from those either.

Its actually quite calming and has helped me a lot. Legally, mind you.
Now I don't fly off the handle and throw haymakers at everyone within spitting distance at the drop of a knife or a burned roast.
Lucky me.

June:
Worked some more. I swear if one more person says to me "you must get the summers off, working for a college, and all" I am going to give them a stern talking to. No really, I'm gonna punch them in the neck.
Then I went on vacation with my family. An awesome vacation, traveled out to California, saw a lot of cool stuff, did a lot of cool things, ate a lot of good food, drank a lot of good wine. Spent a weekend in San Francisco, a week in Monterey Bay, and a created a lifetime of memories.
If you have never been out there, GO. Very cool.
Shout out to my Aunt Terri and "Uncle" Francis for introducing us to the second most beautiful place on this earth. The Shell, The Sauce, and I will never forget it.

Then after we got back, I had my 30 year high school reunion. Shit, 30 years. Talk about a time machine! A couple of people changed, a couple didn't, but most were the same people inside as they were in high school. I was never the outgoing type back then, more of a lone wolf, like a one man wolf pack.but I have since changed, now I am more of a two man wolf pack, but usually alone.
I enjoyed myself at the reunion, forced my way through the awkward moments of who are you? and wow, you got fat!, and managed to (re)make some friends. pretty good experience.

July:
Where did July go?
I think my time machine is malfunctioning. Started off with some personnel changes at work, then an Independence Day celebration, some traveling to look at colleges for The Sauce, a little more celebrating, and boom were in August!

August:
Its been hot as Balls here. not over 100 or anything( I feel sorry for those that are enduring the constant, eye melting heat) but hot enough to make my hair sweat. and everywhere that I have hair, which is everywhere except for the bottoms of my feet, and I am pretty sure they are sweaty too.

Here it is late August, coming up on my favorite time of year, Autumn.
Oh the Glory of the fall foliage!
The sunny days followed by crisp nights!
The never ending supply of Octoberfest beer and hard cider!
By the way, my favorite brand of cider is Dicken's Brand Cider, After all, their slogan is "There ain't nuthin' like having a Dicken's Cider"  Its a pretty dumb slogan and it never made much sense to me, But I still like the way it sounds when I say it aloud to my family and bosses at work, while pumping my fist Tiger Woods fashion.

I think I am going to try to post something on the internet daily, probably followed by a cute little caption, maybe a smiley face or something. maybe a political slogan, or a cute puppy, or a news article about a person I have never met, or a picture of myself taking up the whole screen, Just my face, so people can see me. I'm gonna call it a "selfie" I don't think this has been done before, at least not the self portrait thing. I might even purse my lips so I look like a mallard. I'll call it "mallardface"


I think I am done writing today, this post took a lot out of me. I'm not the spry young blogger I used to be.
If you haven't already, sign up for the updates on the right of the screen. If you cant see the little box, open it up in your web browser, whatever that means.
The posts are pretty random, and not very timely, but they are fun for me, And I am the only one who really matters.
You can also look back at some of the other tomfoolery that has gone on here in the past, if you are bored. and I mean really, REALLY bored.
.
Pistolgrip Out

Hello? Is it me your looking for?

I saw this sign in a men's room once, and it stuck with me.
I also hear this song in my head everytime someone pauses after saying hello to me. I feel compelled to ask them if they see it my eyes, or my smile, or if I'm all they ever wanted,  you get the picture.

It would be awkward, but worth it.
I have had a few awkward moments in my life, some I dealt with pretty well, some not. we all have them, you know, like when you fart in an elevator, then it stops...........
or you ask how someone is, and they say that person died last week.......
or you see someone at a concert wearing the same tee shirt as you..........

All of those things happened to me, recently. I've had a pretty good run of awkwardness.
None of it was crushing, deflating, loser type humiliation, but pretty close. I usually try to use humor and more awkwardness to get out of awkwardness. It just gets more and more awkward until silence prevails, everyone involved gets real quiet, then we move on. I think its a pretty good strategy, most of the time.

Next topic:
Han Solo was a dick.
I know I am going to outrage some nerd out there, but I will just tell him to go back to his basement bedroom and wait for his mom to bring him his dessert and shut up.
Han always about himself, he did it for the money, every time. He had a pretty good gig with the princess, but he screwed that up to hang with his buddy Chewie. Come on man, she was a princess for Christmas sake! In the last movie they tried to make it so he could redeem himself, but in the end it was just about him, He could have said something like "Call your Mom" or " lets try to patch this thing up" but he had to stab himself instead. (this is where the nerds chime in with their own theories)
pretty much any time he was involved, he screwed things up with his own stuff, never considering the feelings of others. What a dick.



I had an idea for a TV show, its like undercover boss, but from the other perspective,
Undercover Customer

You walk into a store and see how rude employees are. Then you expose them on national television for the jerks they are. Maybe we can rate them or vote on them like American Idol? I think it would only be a matter of time before you had every Gluten Free Emporium cashier and Department of Motor Vehicle Clerk treating you like royalty if they thought for a second everyone would see them being complete arses.
There could be comedian hosts like Don Rickles (BTW, not dead, yet, but soon!), or Amy Schumer.
that would be a show I would watch.


One more topic and I'm done because its late, and I am really only writing this because a friend of mine said he misses reading them. I am not going to call him out and expose him, because that would be rude. but his name is Clay. Clay Schutt. That's with two T's, and a long U. and Clay is short for Clayton. Just want to be clear that I am not calling him out.

I have attempted to play many instruments in my life, guitar, drums, bass, skin flute, to name a few, I never make it past the basics, something always gets in my way, like work, family, or some other stupid excuse. but that's all they are, excuses. my latest curiosity is bass guitar. As one friend of mine, who is seriously musically talented, told me: if that's what your ear goes to naturally, do it. so I think I will. Right after vacation(TEASER:NEXT POST!), after my son graduates, I get a promotion at work, and I watch every movie on netflix. I will get that shit done, I promise.


yeah, that's it for me tonight, as I reread this, its ok, not my best work, and a lot more cuss words than usual, I am tired and cranky, and my ass hurts, I need a new chair.

Pistolgrip Out.

Hello? Is it me your looking for?

I saw this sign in a men's room once, and it stuck with me.
I also hear this song in my head everytime someone pauses after saying hello to me. I feel compelled to ask them if they see it my eyes, or my smile, or if I'm all they ever wanted,  you get the picture.

It would be awkward, but worth it.
I have had a few awkward moments in my life, some I dealt with pretty well, some not. we all have them, you know, like when you fart in an elevator, then it stops...........
or you ask how someone is, and they say that person died last week.......
or you see someone at a concert wearing the same tee shirt as you..........

All of those things happened to me, recently. I've had a pretty good run of awkwardness.
None of it was crushing, deflating, loser type humiliation, but pretty close. I usually try to use humor and more awkwardness to get out of awkwardness. It just gets more and more awkward until silence prevails, everyone involved gets real quiet, then we move on. I think its a pretty good strategy, most of the time.

Next topic:
Han Solo was a dick.
I know I am going to outrage some nerd out there, but I will just tell him to go back to his basement bedroom and wait for his mom to bring him his dessert and shut up.
Han always about himself, he did it for the money, every time. He had a pretty good gig with the princess, but he screwed that up to hang with his buddy Chewie. Come on man, she was a princess for Christmas sake! In the last movie they tried to make it so he could redeem himself, but in the end it was just about him, He could have said something like "Call your Mom" or " lets try to patch this thing up" but he had to stab himself instead. (this is where the nerds chime in with their own theories)
pretty much any time he was involved, he screwed things up with his own stuff, never considering the feelings of others. What a dick.



I had an idea for a TV show, its like undercover boss, but from the other perspective,
Undercover Customer

You walk into a store and see how rude employees are. Then you expose them on national television for the jerks they are. Maybe we can rate them or vote on them like American Idol? I think it would only be a matter of time before you had every Gluten Free Emporium cashier and Department of Motor Vehicle Clerk treating you like royalty if they thought for a second everyone would see them being complete arses.
There could be comedian hosts like Don Rickles (BTW, not dead, yet, but soon!), or Amy Schumer.
that would be a show I would watch.


One more topic and I'm done because its late, and I am really only writing this because a friend of mine said he misses reading them. I am not going to call him out and expose him, because that would be rude. but his name is Clay. Clay Schutt. That's with two T's, and a long U. and Clay is short for Clayton. Just want to be clear that I am not calling him out.

I have attempted to play many instruments in my life, guitar, drums, bass, skin flute, to name a few, I never make it past the basics, something always gets in my way, like work, family, or some other stupid excuse. but that's all they are, excuses. my latest curiosity is bass guitar. As one friend of mine, who is seriously musically talented, told me: if that's what your ear goes to naturally, do it. so I think I will. Right after vacation(TEASER:NEXT POST!), after my son graduates, I get a promotion at work, and I watch every movie on netflix. I will get that shit done, I promise.


yeah, that's it for me tonight, as I reread this, its ok, not my best work, and a lot more cuss words than usual, I am tired and cranky, and my ass hurts, I need a new chair.

Pistolgrip Out.

About as useful as ........

Okay, been a while. I get it. I am only a man here, not a blog writing machine!
Theres a few random topics that I write down during my days that I'd like to clear off the old to do list. Some of these make it here, but most end up swirling down the toilet bowl of unused and unsaid ideas. Most of the time I only write this thing to empty out my own brain, which my wife often reminds me that there is too much "useless" knowledge in. Seriously, what does she know?
(Which happens to be a lot, BTW)

I apologize if you've seen some ideas before, or if you happen to scroll back in time through this memoir, as it were, and you feel a certain De ja Vu.
I really dont think a lot of people read this anyways, I keep asking people to sign up for the updates, but Blogger being what it is, I have no idea who is on the list. So its kind of a gamble to see who I reach, or who even gives a tiny little seahorse shaped craplet (or is it crappelette?)
if you read this, and you know me, or even if you don't, comment below, email me, text me, facebook me, twatter me, link me in, instacrack me, or just say Hi when you see me in person.( yeah, right, like thats going to happen.)

Heres a quick two or tree tings on my list:


Netflix causes laziness. no duh.
I recently had surgery, had to lay around for three weeks, watched entire seasons/series of zombie shows, comedians' stand up concerts, several rock and roll documentaries, a crapload of cheaply made science fiction movies, food documentaries about famous chefs that no one has heard about, and a bunch of things that no one really cares about.
I recently allowed my housemates to use my netflix account, and I think they will be the first people in history to watch every program offered. They are older, retired people, and I have a strange suspicion they are even watching the kid's movies. you know, because they can.

Next topic:
Verbal Bondage, or Fifty Shades of Dave
There was a guy I worked with, passed away recently, gonna miss him. he was a funny guy, in his own way, Died of a heart attack, quite young, He had a thing, though. he would suck you into a conversation, seemingly innocuous, but before you knew it, CLICK< CLICK! verbal handcuffs were applied, Your mouth was covered in sound proof duct tape, and your were instantly adhered to the spot with no chance of escape. These conversations would go on for minutes, but seemed like hours, not entirely unpleasurable, but enough to make you uncomfortable, and wish for an end.
usually some topic of a bygone era like the 1970's or medical conditions that have been cured in the last century or so.
Although it was unpleasant to endure, I realize now that there is a lot worse things to do than to listen to what someone wants to tell you.
My favorite quote from him was "That is about as useful as a box of condoms in a whorehouse" I still don't know what that means, but I go with it anyways.
Rest In Peace, Dave. enjoy the never-ending, inappropriate conversations with anyone and everyone in the great beyond.


I have an idea for a business. I don't know how legal it is, or how ethical, but it came to me in light of certain political ideas being batted around. Two specifically.
Legalization of marijuana and building a wall.
If you could walk into a head shop (as we used to call them) without judgement, would you? of course you would. you could go in, buy two things, both perfectly legal and useful, only one is not socially acceptable, yet. the other thing is something almost everybody needs at least once in their life, and no one bats an eye when they see you carrying one. In fact, some people may even want to help you use it. Well, maybe that's true of both things.
Stay with me here, I'm getting to it.
If a wall gets built to stop traffic of marijuana across our borders, so be it. But what if marijuana is no longer illegal? but there's a wall stopping you.
You need a ladder.
And a bong.
Hence, Paul's Ladders and Bongs is born!
Homemakers and working guys could walk in without prejudice, purchase both or just one, and be on their way. A business like this could easily slip under the radar until full legalization. They are doing it with the stupid Vape craze right now, why not get ready for the inevitable?
Paul's Ladders and Bongs, "We'll get ya high"
I only have to find a venture capitalist, and I'm ready to go.


Olivia Newtown John was right. lets get physical.
As mentioned above,I recently had a partial knee replacement, When you think about it, its pretty freaking amazeballs. You get your flesh cut open, part of your bone ground down and drilled into, pieces of iron attached to your bone via a peg and hole fitting, some plastic pieces to allow flexibility, and you are good to go. Its that simple. Only thing is it hurts like a million times worse than the last time you stepped on a lego in the dark.
The physical therapist told me to do some excercises, I did them, and I am healed! Sweet Mother of Doilies, I am Healed! It was a series of repettive motions that I thought were useless and banal, but I guess that shit works. whoda thunk it? Albeit, not 100% but better than I was!
I thought I would never know the joy of running through a field of yellow spring flowers, unhampered by life's worries and complications again, my silky summer dress flowing in the light wind, with the sun shining down on me, my every sense tingling in unison with the universe.......ummm...never mind.


Im gonna stop here, in lieu of the awkward factor,
Im off for a few days for some much needed R and R, spend some time with my bride, and just pretty much screw around. I'll probably come back with a fresh bunch of topics in a week or two, so sign up on the right there for the updates, you'll get 'em, (I hope)

For now, Pistolgrip Out.

Political landscape, as painted by Bob Ross

Think happy thoughts, like trees. Happy little trees. And still waters, mirroring a cerulean sky. Throw in a whisp of mist, gliding over the water, only to be met by a gently sloping shoreline, rising up to the snow capped hills in the distance.......

Oh Bob, why have you painted this picture? only to be shattered by completely narcissitic people and their insane quest for political power.

Lets break it down, Bob Ross style.

Hillary is a Clinton. She may be intelligent, a lawyer, in fact. She may be a skilled negotiator, Secretary of State, and all. Her husband cheated on her, perhaps even in the oval office itself, the most powerful man in the free world, and she let him get away with it. I don't want someone with no balls running this country. or perhaps she does have balls, I don't know.


Bernie is Colonel Sanders older brother.. Too old to survive the next four years, too wishy washy to stand up for our veterans, who need care quality health care too. If he were related to Colonel Sanders, the Colonel would probably kick his ass. That would be a fight I would pay per view, Debates are for wuss', bring on the fisticuffs!

Ted is Rafael. Yep. His name is not even Theodore. He changed it to blend in with the political landscape, He would probably change the address of the White House to 1313 Mockingbird Lane, You know, to make it more like home. Grandpa Munster must be rolling in his grave.


Donald is, well, The Donald. I really could go on for about 14 years about all the things this guy epitomizes. Yeah, he is successful. yeah, he is charismatic. yeah, he is definitely batshit crazy. if he makes it to the end of the campaign, it will prove what a nation of brainwashed idiots we are. Myself included.


Now, I am really not the political type, in fact I view it more as entertainment. Unfortunate that our founding fathers are not around to see this. They would have gone all Mel Gibson in the Patriot on their arses.

These are my opinions, they could change tomorrow, and are in no way representative, or proposed to invite commentary of any nature, either in print, spoken word, or digital format. They are to be used for entertainment purposes only, and not to be reproduced without expressed written, or unwritten permission. aka, don't take this too seriously, I'm just having fun here.

I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one Nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
(insert star spangled banner and soaring eagles here)
It would do these canidates well to say this once a day, kinda like we did when we were in grade school. (Thanks, Mr Ezdebski)

I think Bob Ross should run for President. He has all the best qualities of the actual canidates. A talented, resourceful, honest, self made millionare. And he can paint some pretty happy little trees.


Pistolgrip Out

Hey Look Out! It's a New Year

It's getting cold outside, there's a new president on its way, and the internet is getting bigger. I had better make some predictions for this year, or I'll have to give up a few good " I told ya so" opportunities.

So here we go:
A remake of MASH will be made. It will star the cast of the big bang theory.

Left to right: Dr. Sheldon Cooper, Penny, Leonard, Howard, Stuart, and of course, Raj.

(Henry Blake and Father Mulcahey actors to be determined)

I cant believe no one has come up with this idea yet!

The food network will change its name to "the pretty chef who I dont believe ever washed dishes in their entire life"channel.

I sure hope she is Serve Safe certified

A cure will be found for a terrible disease. People will never have to suffer from Affluenza again. The cure will be called " NO"

"Hey, any body seen my douchebag? oh, there I am."

Much like NFL players, spelling bee participants shall demand recompensation for the years after they stop being cute and can no longer compete.

your word is eyecup. "icup, I-C-U-P, icup. (crowd explodes in laughter)

Our next president will either be male or female. In other words, It will not be Bruce Jenner.

Seriously, I did NOT see this one coming

A new religion will be organized, with fanatical followers, some achieving martyr-like status. All shall worship at The Church of the Holy Gluten Sensitivity.

I can already see this symbol on t-shirts, jewelry and prius' everywhere.

Recreational Marijuana use will be legal in at least half of the 50 states. This will be the main contributory factor in the great Cool Ranch Dorito shortage of the next half century.

you gotta admit, they are delicious!

Fit bit and other fitness bands will become useless as we embrace different, more useful technology. There will be a reclining toilet virtual reality television nutrient delivery system in every living room. ( aka The Watch and Poop)

Currency will fail, we will become a nation trading vinyl records of Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon and homemade mix tape cassettes as a means to procure goods and services. Everybody's still got at least one of those.

Ladies and gentlemen, the next Bill Gates

Vaping will become less popular as people gravitate towards fully clothed public masturbation as a way to draw attention to themselves outside office buildings and in coffee shops everywhere.

Or make them get this tatoo. Just as embarrassing.

There's my list. I'm gonna check back on it next January and see how I did. I'm shooting for at least the Watch and Poop. That would be cool.

Feel free to put your own predictions in the comments section below, there will be a prize awarded for every correct prediction, and I predict it will not be a prize of value.

Pistolgrip Out.